Today At Wimbledon

Oi, BBC. Stop changing channels

It messes with Sky+ and some of us like to record the tennis to watch when we get home. Are you saying that no one will tune in to the Murray match unless it's on BBC1? Don't be stupid - the viewers aren't; you expect us to work the red button with the skill of a great lover, we can find the word Wimbledon on the EPG, thank you.

Oi, BBC. Shut up about the British

Precious minutes wasted all last week on Today At Wimbledon on the "debate" about the state of British tennis. When the pundits are clearly fed up with answering questions about it and Inverdale can't even muster any enthusiasm for talking about it, don't you think that maybe the viewer might be bored shitless? At one point Tim Henman had his head in his hands, crying "No, no!" for crissakes.

Actually... Oi, BBC. Shut up about a lot of stuff

The roof; Cliff Richard; grunting; talking endlessly about how nobody's talking about Federer (course they bloody are); and non-specialists saying that if Murray wins, it'll be devalued by the absence of Nadal (it's not like he's never beaten him - and he has beaten him this year).

In fact... BBC, just shut up

Mark Petchey: "It's not only Safina. There's been a bit of a trend of players asking people to pronounce their names in new ways recently." No, Petchey, they're asking you to pronounce it properly, you dick.

Except for Pat Cash

I switched over to the Lleyton Hewitt match just as Cash was saying "leaner and fitter this year". Presumably he was talking about his compatriot, but he was speaking over a shot of a Beth Ditto lookalike draped in an Aussie flag.

Can You Heal It? Jacko Coverage

 Came home from the pub at midnight to find out more about Jacko's death (and to rewrite some copy I'd just filed about The O2 Arena – whoops). But of course, instead of further information, on the 24-hour news channels it was all filler and no Thriller...

Sky News The first to commit to "He's died" (why do I keep hearing "Who's Bad?" when I see that?), but after that there was simply a reporter quacking on over a helicopter shot of fans on a central reservation outside the hospital. He'd basically launched Spotify on his computer and started reading out song titles. And then he talked about the live shows as "son et lumière extravaganzas". Son et lumière? Are you saying Michael Jackson performed classical music favourites with a laser display at Leeds Castle?

BBC News 24 Same deal but with a voiceover who knew what the hell he was talking about.

CNN Had all the actual info first - an inaudible interview with the LA County Coroner and the footage of the ambulance (how slow was that to reverse out of the gates? No wonder he was DOA). But after that they basically wheeled out a parade of ghoulish rock journos who'd obviously raced to the studio, elbowing each other out of the way to get publicity for their blogs. Lucky bastards.

Eric Delko beat Sharapova?!? It's Yesterday At Wimbledon...

Sorry, CSI fans, turns out its Gisele Dulko. And very attractive she is too. Tim Henman was obviously affected:

New Colemanballs, please

"Her mouth was dry and she was very tight."

Er, we are still talking about tennis here, aren't we Tim?

BBC Sport: The New Daily Mail

What hypocritical bullshit from the Wimbledon-covering team. There they were, appealing to Middle England's delicate sensibilities by quacking on about the distracting "grunting" of female tennis players (anyone else think there's a touch of the misogynist Puritan witch-hunt about this). And what did they do? During a game involving one of the louder players, they went to a reporter – live – in the audience, who then asked a spectator if he found the noise disturbing while the players were actually playing a point. 

Good on the spectator for saying that it didn't bother him (and for waiting till they'd finished the point to answer), but how much better would it have been if he'd replied, "It's not as intrusive as some silly cow with a mic talking through the play."

The Tom Hardy Guide To Being A Gangster

Martina Cole's The Take

Sky 1, 9pm

Sky 1's shoddy ganster melodrama continues tonight and Tom Hardy – of RocknRolla, Bronson and baddie-in-an-old-school-Star-Trek fame – can be expected to trot out a few violent episodes that go like a Nirvana song: quiet for a bit then suddenly aggressively loud. If there's an ad break coming up and he hasn't stuck a bottle in anyone's neck, trowelled out a relative's eye or raped his best mate's wife yet, you'd better brace yourself. And, for the benefit of any characters dealing with him, here's the checklist of indicators that he's about to explode...

1. Eyes go extremely slitty

2. Playing with his watch

3. Talking very, very quietly

4. Smiling way too much

5. Involuntary twitches (jaw or fingers)

6. Saying, "Right" a lot

7. Chewing gum faster

8. Going to hug you

Yesterday At Wimbledon

Spotted

What the hell's up with the grass at Wimbledon this year? It's striped like a football pitch! When they put that roof on Centre Court, did they use the people who made the Millennium Stadium? "Tell you what, make it an even £80 mill and we'll throw in the Cardiff groundsman." Or can you now be caught offside on a drop shot?

New Colemanballs please

• "Lu Hung Tough."

John McEnroe seemed to have renamed  Taiwanese player Lu Yen Hsun. Actually he was just referring to the effort he put in against Roger Federer in the first round.

Things you only hear at this time of year

• "He's done a lot of work with Larry Stefanki"

• "The big Croat"

Women's Championship News

Chuckitova beat Flyova 6-3, 6-1 and goes on to face Maidenova in the second round.

Ashes To Anoraks: The Music

Finally seen the series 2 finale of Ashes To Ashes, after some technical handicaps. So, never mind the coma within a coma plot twist. Here's what really matters: a complete list of the ace and spazzy 80s tunes, compiled by Mad Dog's musical consultant DJ 80s Twat (plus the odd unsuccessful Shazam attempt - any help with the two missing tunes gratefully received). There were some pleasingly obscure early goth and indie tunes used this series, which you couldn't tell from the Duran-heavy album they released. There's an alternative playlist you could put together with Bauhaus, The Cure's All Cats Are Grey, The Associates etc...

Episode 1
Fun Boy Three - The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum 
Duran Duran - Rio
Haircut 100 - Love Plus One
ABC - The Look Of Love
J Geils Band - Centrefold
The Specials - Working For The Rat Race
Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing (yeah, not so classic)
The Human League - Mirror Man

Episode 2
Echo & The Bunnymen - Back Of Love
Kid Creole & The Coconuts - Stool Pigeon
Squeeze - Tempted By The Fruit Of Another
Japan - Second That Emotion
Phil Collins - In The Air Tonight
The Jam - Town Called Malice
Dexys Midnight Runners - Come On Eileen
Orchestral Manouevres In The Dark - Messages
A Flock Of Seagulls - Wishing (If I Had A Photograph Of You)

Episode 3
UB40 - Food For Thought (over a scene involving a hunger striker - nice)
Trio - Da Da Da
Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger
Duran Duran - The Reflex
Thomson Twins - Lies, Lies, Lies
Tight Fit - The Lion Sleeps Tonight (making this a particularly naff episode)

Episode 4
This was the episode when they suddenly went all out for obscure Bauhaus ska period tracks. Oddly, despite the episode being about young girls being kidnapped for sex parties, they didn't go with Pete Murphy & co's biggest hit, She's In Parties.
The Wurzels - I've Got A Brand New Combine Harvester (sung by cast)
Bauhaus - Harry
Fun Boy Three & Bananarama - It Ain't What You Do (It's The Way That You Do It)
Modern English - The Token Man
Pigbag - Papa's Got A Brand New Pigbag
Unidentified dancey song in background - sounded like a cross between Divine and The Associates
Bauhaus - In Fear Of Fear
Korgis - Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

Episode 5
A musical disappointment this week. Nothing wrong with the tunes but the mysterious bloke on the phone with a tinge of an Irish accent, who might help Alex get home, turned out to be Adrian Dunbar, not Elvis Costello.
The Jam - Funeral Pyre
Odyssey - Back To My Roots
Blondie - Atomic
Queen & David Bowie - Under Pressure
UB40 - Food For Thought (again?!)
New Order - Temptation
The Clash - Should I Stay Or Should I Go
Iggy Pop - not sure which tune
Bill Withers - Just The Two Of Us
Madness - Embarrassment
David Bowie - The Man Who Sold The World

Episode 6
Captain Sensible - Happy Talk
Grace Jones - Pull Up To The Bumper
Motörhead - Ace Of Spades
Donna Summer - I Feel Love
Michael Jackson - Thriller
Haircut 100 - Favourite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl)
Anti Nowhere League - Streets Of London
Billy Idol - Hot In The City

Episode 7
Adam & The Ants - Goody Two Shoes
The Cure - All Cats Are Grey
Gary Numan - Music For Chameleons
Tears For Fears - Ideas As Opiates

Episode 8
The series finale was supposed to be so dramatic (ahem) that there was no time for silly 80s music for a whole 40 minutes. Finally there was a little flurry...
Roxy Music - While My Heart Is Still Beating
The Associates - Country Club

Orchestral Manouevres In The Dark - Maid Of Orleans

Mixed news, everyone!

Futurama is back!

Comedy Central has commissioned a full 26-episode series of Matt Groening's sci-fi toon, six years after it was cancelled (where were the petitioners then? It deserved 20 times the hoo ha of Chuck). So many possible story lines to come... Surrender your mysteries to Zoidberg.

The Cleveland Show is real!

So, what seemed like an elaborate April Fool's joke is for real. Of all the Family Guy characters, Cleveland has his own spin-off. And, judging by the new trailer, it'll be as bad as it sounds - the funniest line in it is a farewell from Stewie Griffin. Cleveland has suddely acquired a fat son, leaves Quahog and marries his high school sweetheart. She's got a sassy tramp daughter (yawn - trying to make up for the vacuum that is Meg) and a toddler son who talks like an adult (what an original idea, don't you think, Stewie?). Then there are random anthropomorphised animals. The neighbours are bears and Cleveland gets harassed by roid-rage bull. The great thing about cartoons is that you can do whatever you like. That can also be the worst thing about them.

Caine RIP

David Carradine – Kwai Chang Caine in Kung Fu (as well as Bill in Kill Bill) – has died.

Kung Fu was one of my favourite Saturday night shows when I was a kid - probably my earliest TV memory, even before Doctor Who. Not being a big fan of Westerns, the Eastern twist made it stand out from a lot of American shows of the 70s. After that, I loved anything with an Asian martial arts theme to it: The Water Margin, Shogun, Monkey...

Carradine's brother Keith, who played the teenaged Caine ("Grasshopper", according to the blind Shaolin Master Po), is still going strong and has been brilliant in Dexter and as serial killer Frank in Criminal Minds in recent years. To paraphrase Jules in Pulp Fiction, may his brother's ghost walk the earth, like Caine.

Channel 4: Nothing to see here

Big Brother

All Channel 4 strands

24 hours a day

So we say goodbye to Channel 4 for the summer, as its channels are given over to pictures of narcissistic eejits in swimwear with a soundtrack of birdsong. C4 and E4 have 24-hour coverage (with E4's revolutionary endoscopy coverage for the most in-depth BB coverage ever). To celebrate BB's 10th anniversary, More 4 will be showing Simon Schama's epic series, The History Of Big Brother; and Film 4 has the world premiere of the new Jade Goody biopic, Kebabs And Chemo.

For all your Big Brother coverage, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE. Barking At The Television will remain a Reality-Free Zone for the duration. So, in addition to zero BB coverage, there will be no calls for a Scottish lady to be given a prize here; nor will there be a report on which wannabe celebrity is pointed at by a former businessman who looks like Nookie Bear.

Instead I'll be bringing you news and reviews of all the most interesting TV of the summer.