ER is dead. Long live House

House

Sunday

Sky 1, 9pm

The one non-crime US drama Five showed has been snaffled by Sky, which will upset people not quite as much as when the Beeb lost Lost to dish'n'cablers, but enough. I say non-crime but, thinking about it, House is basically CSI: Pancreas. I'm not convinced it'll provide the Sunday night cornerstone of a Lost, 24 or even Prison Break or Fringe - it's an episodic procedural you can dip in and out of (notwithstanding last season's ongoing Doc Idol plot, where Dr House chose his new team). Still, I'm glad it's back, whatever the channel.

Hey C*** F**ksy! John's back!

Tourettes: I Swear I Can't Help It

BBC1, 9pm

Twenty years after he became the new Joey Deacon, Tourettes sufferer John Davidson is back in a new documentary (TV tends to catch up with him every few years - a sort of Seven F*** Up. We can all pretend we'll be watching to raise our awareness of this issue and discover if John can pass on advice to a new generation of sweary young men, but of course we really want to see him screaming profanities in the supermarket and calling his mum a slut (in fact he's now whacking her in the face out of the blue - unless the producers are paying him to invent new symptoms). 

The poor bloke has aged really badly - it must be a stressful life, especially when you get the likes of Keith Allen turning up to do a documentary on you (Tourettes De France - Allen and a film crew with a title in search of a programme lead John and other sufferers on a bike ride to the Paris hospital where Doctor Tourette discovered the condition).

Anyway, essential viewing for schoolchildren who want to be up on some very inventive swears. Although, be warned. As Shakespearean actress Eleanor Bron made clear in her original stentorian voiceover: "John doesn't always swear. Sometimes he barks... like a dog."

APOLOGIES, BUFFY FANS We missed the start of Joss Whedon's new show

There was me trying to find out when FX or Sky would show this Fox drama in the UK (and monitoring US network announcements and rumours about whether this would reach season 2 – looking like a yes) and it sneaks on to SciFi behind my back on Tuesday. Among all the Star Trek repeats, B movies and lame duck series like Knight Rider and Eli Stone, they just occasionally showcase something interesting... after all, remember who brought us the only worthwhile season of Heroes.

Anyway, luckily, this is digital telly, so there are repeats all week. Here's the review I've had in the starting gate for months...

Dollhouse

SciFi

Tonight 8pm, then Tuesdays 9pm

Eliza Dushku was the bad girl vamp-staker Faith in Joss Whedon's first hit, Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Having been in the doldrums with Tru Calling (she sees dead people, yawn), she returns to the Mutant Enemy fold (raargh! argh!) as Echo, one of a group of "Actives" (or dolls), tabula rasa people who can be imprinted with mental/physical/emotional traits and abilities to fulfil roles for high-paying clients (which usually boils down to wanting a high class hooker who can also ride a motorbike). The Actives are people who've signed up for this because they want to escape their real lives – their minds are wiped after every assignment.

The drama comes from an obsessed FBI agent trying to uncover the secret of the Dollhouse; the problem that old imprints and memories of their former lives start to leak into some of the Actives' minds; an escaped psycho-Active; and (judging by the first two episodes)... every, time, Eliza Dushku, goes out on a job, something, goes frickin, wrong.

The Whedon stamp should ensure quality - surprises, pace, empathy and, above all, wit. But the snappy one-liners of Buffy and Firefly are sadly in short supply. Some US thriller TV clichés have crept in: the honourable African-American bodyguard; the wisecracking geek computer expert (called Topher - that awful shortening of Christopher); the shady corporate types; and the aforementioned dogged FBI agent. And the fact that the lead character changes persona every episode means it's hard to invest in her development.

Word has it that the later episodes are much better than the first five, but so far this just rubs salt in the still-sore wound of losing Whedon's space cowboy romp Firefly after just one season.

AD BREAK: Sponsorship will eat itself at Five

If you watch CSI: New York tonight, you may get confused. At the beginning and end of each ad break, where the name of the show you're watching traditionally flashes up, something else is happening. A red smiley face flashes up, which then morphs into the Five logo. And in case you don't know what the smiley refers to, the screen then reads The Mentalist. So, apparently, not only are all of Five's crime dramas (the CSIs, Law & Orders etc) sponsored by Kia cars (very good stings, by the way - the right kind of kooky), they're apparently also sponsored by... one of Five's crime dramas. 

Now, I could snidely claim the channel is desperate to prop up a show that has lost viewers steadily since its strong debut - because Brits have better taste than Americans, where this drivel has been a big hit. However, this is just one example of crazy sponsorship and promo efforts at Five. If you watched the showing of The Da Vinci Code the other Sunday, you would have heard the odd statement, "The Da Vinci Code is sponsored by Angels & Demons" - the screening of one Dan Brown nonsense-fest being funded by its own sequel! They certainly can't be faulted on novelty.

One novelty that needs to be stamped on, however, is Wolf Blass wines' sponsorship of Cricket On Five. Now fair enough, they've come up with the idea of wine bottles as stumps, the ball knocking into them etc. But this is not an ident: these are the actual opening credits of the highlights package. Real England players are mixed in to the advertising images. Has the ECB been involved in this? Are the players aware? And earning from it? And, more's the point, is this legal? Isn't the promotional message supposed to be kept outside the programme itself - especially when it comes to sport and alcohol? Barking At The Television will be contacting Ofcom and the ASA to find out...

PLAYER POWER (Shows you haven't missed after all)

Feast

BBC iPlayer

(and BBC4, Wednesdays, 9pm)

Conflict of interest alert! Presenter Stefan Gates is an old friend, so of course I'm a big fan. But I'd enjoy this series anyway - travel, food and personable presenter with an easy style: what's not to like? 

In this first episode he visits India. First he's a guest at a three-day society wedding in Rajasthan (why don't we have cricket matches at British weddings?). Generously, he does not compare it to PoshnBecks' nuptials, even though he must have been sorely tempted. In fact, Stefan humanises something that seems all façade - and eventually the incredibly overprivileged families come across sympathetically.

Later, he visits Kerala for the Onam festival. Whereas the food is rather glossed over in the wedding section, there is some good insight into Keralan cooking here. But the highlight is when our man gets shaved and painted like a tiger for a parade. (He still had a yellowish tinge when I saw him about a week after he got home.) 

As the first white boy to join in this part of the festival, he attracts a lot of media attention and accidentally assaults a local TV reporter. The Indian equivalent Dennis Norden (Dinesh Norden?) will already have bought up that clip.

Just one point of order - Gates claims the hypnotic tiger dance is like being at a rave in the 80s. Rave, Stef? When we DJed together in 1989, you kept on putting on James Brown records while I was trying to play 808 State and A Guy Called Gerald.

END OF SEASON REPORTS

Damages: 6/10

The climax was pretty good - although it was obvious from the start that Ellen wouldn't have shot "Paddy" Hewes (despite attempts to convince us with a flash forward of Patty bleeding in the lift). Nice that Patty was in control of the situation all along (at home as well as work - that little priggish son needed bringing down a peg or ten), and how Wes dealt with sociopath detective Rick Messer.

However, on the whole, this felt like a bit of a holding series. Frobisher featured so fleetingly, there was hardly any point him being involved; Walter Kendrick wasn't much of a baddie; and we didn't get enough of the really sinister characters – Dave Pell (played by the brilliant Clarke Peters - Lester Freamon in The Wire, Mandela in Endgame and soon to be in Holby City!) and "The Deacon", the dead-faced killer of Purcell's wife. We must hope season 3 will centre on them. More cold sweat from William Hurt would be good too.

Heroes: 3/10

Should this be a judgement on Season 3 or Volume 4? I don't know: it's a mess.

Season 3 began by implicitly saying, "Let's pretend season 2 never happened". Characters disappeared (Monica the muscle mimic, Maya, Molly - woe betide anyone whose name began with M, barring moaning Matt Parkman). And it ended in much the same vein - poor old Daphne the speedster dies and a couple of episodes later Parkman seems to have forgotten that his whole purpose was to build a life with her and is now fighting to get his former missus back. 

Volume 4 just tread water, despite having a clear villain (in The Hunter). That was what made Season 1 so good - everything built towards foliing Sylar. This term Sylar swapped sides twice an episode, heroes were unconvincing both as villains (it boiled down to Petrelli family bickering) and fugitives (they just wandered around a bit). The main heroes – Claire, Peter, Nathan, Parkman, Mohinder (oh, another surviving M), Hiro & Ando – became duller and duller. Meanwhile new characters drifted in and out: Claire Bear's daddy issues made it impossible to keep a boyfriend; and some interesting ones were killed off instantly, thus wasting ability-based storylines which could have developed nicely.

At least Sylar's shape-shifting was cool and the subsequent identity crisis was the only genuinely engaging storyline since Season 1. 

In the end though, you spend too much time wondering about stuff you've missed or forgotten – or possibly the producers have. Does Mohinder have powers still? If not, why does Ando? Is Ando still going to kill Hiro? What was all that about Sylar becoming a stay-at-home married dad with a penchant for cooking in the future? Was that that in season 2 so therefore "didn't happen"? Do we even care any more?

Coming soon: Lost (I've got a few episodes to catch up) and 24

NEW SERIES TONIGHT - Lie To Me

Lie To Me

Sky 1, 10pm

Tim Roth is an expert in deception detection who works for clients including the FBI, spotting ticks and tells to get to the truth. 

OK, we've seen a lot of this type of show recently: expert in some obscure pseudo-science (this one is lie detection through body language and linguistic analysis) helps cops/Feds, some of whom are dismissive but proved wrong, others of whom say "he's a nutjob but he gets results". But this is more fun than The Mentallist (though, of course, not in the same league as the great kooky genius, the OCD-suffering Monk, or indeed the original... Columbo). My problem with The Mentallist (see review below) is that it doesn't explain how the "genius" is making the mental leap – it doesn't do the Holmes or Poirot exposition. There's no problem with that here – in fact, just in case you think that convenient body language ticks are being made up for the sake of the plot, they flash up images of notorious liars like OJ Simpson and Dick Cheney to illustrate the point.

Roth plays it pretty straight, not trying to do a crazy/genius thin-line high-wire act. Instead, it's the support cast who do quirky – his junk food-guzzling business partner (who presumably is bulimic, since despite her calorie intake, she's slim and hot); and a guy who indulges in "radical honesty" (his excuse for being late for work is that he was in bed with a hangover fantasising about a TV anchorwoman).

One piece of advice: don't watch this with your partner – you'll be under scrutiny after every episode. Men in particular - keep your hand away from your nose. You'll see why in this first episode...

WOT WE SEEN URRIN? (Familiar faces from your favourite shows)

Show...    Sons Of Anarchy

Character...   Gemma Teller Morrow

Actor...   Katey Sagal

Wot we seen urrin?

Actually, it's more a case of "Wot we urd urrin?" If you think that voice is familiar, Sagal is the voice of big-booted cyclops freight-captain and blurnsball washout Turanga Leela from Futurama.

Older viewers (and Germans - who inexplicably loved this awful US sit com) may remember her as tarty Peggy Bundy in Married With Children. 

TV BLOG IN QUOTING SHAKESPEARE SHOCK

Sons Of Anarchy

Bravo

Tuesdays, 10pm (and +1)

The latest big US show hit our screens last night and immediately went weird. Apparently this story of a California biker gang is based on Hamlet, and it's created by an ex-The Shield writer, so it's bound to be oblique. But sometimes, if you're doing a show about biker gangs, you need to show the gang on bikes for more than a minute in the first half hour of the show. This was an intriguing rather than dramatic start...

It's going to take some commitment, because there are so many Sam Crows to get to know (yep, after Generation Kill, it's another show with its own language – you don't call them Sons of Anarchy; it's Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club, Redwood Original; SAMCRO). There's the Jewish Elvis impersonator (oh, they're very quick to make it clear the Sam Crows aren't racists, with black business partners and a rivalry with a white supremacist gang), the bloke who looks like he's wearing eyeshadow... and the Scotsman. That was particularly odd - I thought I wasn't hearing his accent right.

There are some interesting pieces of casting. Ron "Hellboy" Perlman makes total sense as the patriarch (or Claudius figure); Katey Sagal (see the next post, "Wot we seen urrin?") is Gertrude, though with a touch of the Lady MacBeth's about her too; Drea de Matteo (Adriana in The Sopranos) is Ophelia going off the rails (get thee to a nunnery); and isn't that the FBI boss from The X-Files (Mitch Pileggi) lurking as a rival gang leader? (They're called the Nordics, so presumably he's Fortinbras).

Of course, no show can succeed without a decent soundtrack these days and while it's heavy on Americana (the theme's by Curtis Stigers), it's not a case of playing "both kinds of music - country and western" – I think that was even a Jesus & Mary Chain tune accompanying a pool cue beating.

I'll be following the exploits of the citizens of Charming (Really? That's the ironic town name gone with?), if only so we can work out which characters are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and will be hoist by their own petard, and who is Osric - a part whose portrayal was greeted with critical acclaim in a 1985 production at King's School Canterbury ("a foreboding presence" - The Cantuarian).

AXE-WIELDING SEASON...

Next month the US networks announce their preliminary autumn schedules, but already some big shows are heading for a "fall"...

As you know, ER has run its course and is going out with dignity in the geriatrics ward. Prison Break suffered a massive ratings slump in season 4, so that's gone.

Brit actors are suffering (maybe a touch of US trade protectionism?):  Pushing Daisies (Anna Friel) and Eli Stone (Jonny Lee Miller) are cut and Eleventh Hour (Rufus Sewell) isn't looking good for renewal (hope it's not because it lost the "Who are the new Mulder & Scully?" head-to-head with Fringe on Barking At The TV). Damien Lewis's Life looks under threat too. Remakes of Brit shows are also faring badly: as well as Eleventh Hour, Worst Week (from the Ben Miller farce) is gone and Life On Mars bombed. The Sam Tyler actor, Jason O'Mara, was too square-jawed, Harvey Keitel was too serious as Gene Hunt and Michael Imperioli had to carry all the comedy on his own... 

In the animation world, King Of The Hill makes way for the new hit Sit Down, Shut Up (which was a live-action Aussie show, but has been remade as animation by the Arrested Development team) and possibly for unlikely Family Guy spin-off The Cleveland Show (which seems like an April Fool's gag that's gone too far).

Also looking doubtful for renewal is the narrative mess that is Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. And another sci-fi brand is tarnished too: Joss Whedon of Buffy fame, looks like scoring a second miss in a row with Dollhouse (although, unlike Firefly, this humourless bore doesn't deserve renewal).

In the balance are dramas The Unit, Cold Case and Without A Trace; and comedies Scrubs (don't worry, there's the usual petitions) and My Name Is Earl.

Definitely ongoing are Lost (of course), 24 and Heroes; plus procedurals Bones, NCIS, the CSIs and Law & Orders. 

Of new shows, Fringe goes to a second season, hooray, but so does The Mentalist, yawn. And One Brit keeps his job: Tim Roth's Lie To Me (coming to Sky 1 soon) continues. Make that two Brits: House will return for a 6th season with Hugh Laurie.

For the ladies... Brothers & Sisters, Grey's Anatomy, Ugly Betty and Desperate Housewives are all go.

And for laughs... Comedy's first lady, Tina Fey, will make more 30 Rock (although the other Rock, Chris, loses his voiceover role on Everybody Hates Chris); The Office: An American Workplace marches on; and Paramount can fill space with repeats of Two & A Half Men for another few years. Finally, the three big animation sit-coms, The Simpsons, Family Guy and American Dad, are green-lit too.