The Mentalist: a bit dim

The Mentalist

Five

Thursday, 9pm

At last, Alan Partridge's biggest fan gets his own series... What? It's a US crime drama about a former TV psychic who helps out detectives in California? Oh. So I guess the new hit American show They're Sex Swappers, Lynn is about undercover transgender Feds, is it?

The Mentalist is a massive hit in the US. Not in a Dexter way, not in an HBO critical acclaim way. This is a hit in the same way the crass CSI: Miami trounces the original, whimsical and occasionally dark CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. People have posted videos of star Simon Baker with soft focus heart surrounds on YouTube. The mentalist himself, Patrick Jane, was a Derek Accorah-style psychic charlatan until a terrible tragedy befell him (the mystery of what that was is spunked by ad break two), then switches to Derren Brown mode and exposes his own secrets – neuro-linguistic programming, auto-suggestion, body language reading etc – and uses them to help catch baddies.

Great premise, awful execution. The whole point of procedural crime drama is that you reveal the clever deductive process, whether it's CSIs following the evidence or a Behavioural Analysis Unit (as in Criminal Minds) teasing out the psychological profile of the "unsub". Jane is essentially an updated Sherlock Holmes or Hercule Poirot – he sees stuff that we didn't spot. But the writers don't get round to the best bit: having all that stuff explained. You don't need to gather everyone in the drawing room, but at least reveal the detail that made you realise who the killer was.

Oh, and if you want to keep the audience guessing whodunnit, don't cast Zeljko Ivanek (see below).

AD BREAK

Aviva (Norwich Union)

Do you remember that Norwich Union name change ad, where Ringo Starr said "Would all this [Beetlemania] have happened to plain old Richard Starkey?"

Well now he's back in a new one, saying, "Don't call me by my stage name." Make your frigging mind up, you dick. 

Presumably this means it's OK to send him fan mail again, as long as you address it to Richard Starkey.

10 Things We Loved About Grissom

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Five, 9pm

This is it. Tonight the cleverest man in Nevada, CSI Gil Grissom, is leaving Las Vegas. People are calling it the end of the show. It shouldn't be, as long as they don't allow the CSI: Miami writers anywhere near it, but we are losing one of the best characters in detective telly. Here are 10 reasons why this eccentric, troubled academic was so great...

• Being Bugman...  “Greenbottle blowfly – these typically pupate in about two weeks and emerge as adults in four. The AC on in the trailer slows down the timeline a bit… He’s been dead at least a month." Entymology's fun!

• The simmering sexual tension with S&M queen Lady Heather

• The fact he seemed to get on best with oddballs at conventions – like the "plushies and furries" (people who dress up in animal costumes) and the dwarves

• Tasting evidence

• He had an office romance – but not with his hot colleague, Catherine; instead he went for the odd-looking Sara Sidle.

• And then he proposed to her in a beekeeper's outfit.

• Constantly knocking back Hodges’ attempts to befriend him

• Trading gruesome jokes with Doc Robbins over a DB

• The massive spider behind his shoulder at his desk

• Pig cadavers

Suggestions welcome to add to this list - hit comment and have your say.

WOT WE SEEN IMMIN? (familiar faces from your favourite shows)

Show... Heroes

Character... "The Hunter"

Actor... Zeljko Ivanek

Wot we seen immin?

The Slovenian does threatening Eastern European better than anyone currently. You most likely remember him as Andre Drazen in the first 24, the brother of Victor Drazen (scenery-chewing Dennis Hopper) who was forcing Jack Bauer to attempt to assassinate President Palmer.

He plays American too. His turn as the compromised, homosexual Southern lawyer in the first series of Damages was explosive. He was the prison governor in the please-someone-repeat-it Oz and was a DA in Homicide: Life On The Streets

If, somehow, you didn't see 24 from the beginning, or those other series, yet you still recognise the face, that'll be because he seems to make a point of guest starring in every US drama that's made... Lost, The West Wing, CSI, NYPD Blue, Law & Order and L&O: SVU, Bones, Cold Case, Shark, House, ER and more. 

You'll next see him, later this week on Five, in the pilot of The Mentalist (preview and Alan Partridge gags to come...)

D R E A R O E S

Heroes

BBC2, 9pm

God, did a show ever slump so quickly from awesome to boredom? It's disjointed and repetitive (the writers' strike didn't help but this "chapter" – who knows what series this is any more? – is yet another false start after the brilliant first season. This isn't "what's going on?" like Lost, it's self-contradictory, with a constant sense of "Oh, forget the last 13 episodes, this is the real story..."

And every time, a weaker and weaker story. They've got to stop everyone dying of the plague; no, they've got to stop everyone getting powers; wait, they've got to save people with powers from being locked up, or maybe killed, or was that in the last chapter?

Where did the startling originality of the first season go? The strands all leading to a climactic conclusion? Now you have Annekin Sylar, the troubled teen crossing to the dark side, and hamfisted Guantanamo and Iraq references (orange jumpsuits, "Did you think they'd welcome us as liberators?"). What a mess. Creator Tim Kring has promised that season 4 will be a new beginning, where you don't have to have watched any of the last few years' episodes. That's good – because if he were to rely on stalwart viewers, he's losing thousands by the week.

Weekend Highlights

With Mad Dog in Edinburgh being a Plastic Paddy at the Scotland v Ireland match, there are really only two programmes he'll be watching this weekend...

6 Nations Rugby: Italy v Wales

BBC1, Saturday 2.30pm

As Mad Dog will be watching this in from the back of noisy beer tent outside Murrayfield, the big issue will be whether that's pitchside punditry from ex-Wales captain Colin Charvis or a Mma Ramotswe in a trailer for...

No 1 Ladies Detective Club

BBC1, Sunday 9pm

It's Girlfriend TV all the way tonight as this follows on from the final part of Lark Rise To Camberwick Green (is that right?). And there's bound to be a similar element of cosy costume tomfoolery, if last year's Anthony Minghella-directed pilot is anything to go by. It looks wonderful but Mad Dog couldn't tolerate the books (written by an old white gent from the posh part of Edinburgh - there's gritty African reality for you), lapped up by the Duchess and her book group chums. Like in Lark Rise, there are too many loveable bucolic buffoons. Is it worse to condescend to the contemporary Developing World than to patronise the past? Very probably.

THIS WEEK's HIGHLIGHTS (PART 2)

Wednesday

Just in case you're not watching the latest installment of the Fergie v Jose saga...

The Car Show

BBC4, 8pm

Not a highbrow rival to Top Gear (is Stephen Fry The Stig?), but a documentary (part of BBC4's "Car Week") about the development of motoring programmes. God, but Top Gear used to be dull. Angela Rippon was even a presenter. And as for Michelle Newman's housewife car reviews... you couldn't watch them before driving – or you'd fall asleep at the wheel.

Baroque! - From St Peter's to St Paul's

BBC4, 9pm

Waldemar Januszczak returns with one of his populist art series. Hopefully by the end of this series, I'll understand the difference between baroque and rococo. Tonight covers Carravaggio and St Peter's Basilica by Bernini.

Thursday

Red Riding Trilogy

Channel 4, 9pm

Yes, it is indeed one of the finest pieces of British television for years and brings out the best of David Peace's novel, while dispensing with the more irritating narrative devices. Tonight's episode reaches 1980, with the Yorkshire Ripper terrorising Leeds and Bradford, and stars the excellent Paddy Considine.

I've Never Seen Star Wars

BBC4, 10.30pm

Marcus Brigstocke's Radio 4 programme – a twist on the Room 101 format, where celebs try experiences for the first time. It's always a bit frustrating on the radio, because the guest has to do a couple of activities and you can't see what's making the audience laugh. So it should transfer very well.

Friday

Of course, you'll be glued to BBC1, debit card in hand, supporting Comic Relief 9 (and in no way just Sky+ing it to watch tomorrow, 30x FFing through the bits where Lenny Henry gets teary in Africa). But you may also want to save the following...

Do It Yourself: The Story Of Rough Trade Records

BBC4, 9pm

The story of the great (and shambolic) indie label that brought us Stiff Little Fingers and Vic Godard in the 70s, The Fall and  The Smiths in the 80s and, more recently, British Sea Power and The Libertines. As well as archive footage in this doc, there are sessions from the best of Rough Trade following at 10.30pm (so The Mr T Experience may not make the cut).

30 Rock

Five, 9pm

Edie Falco (Carmella Soprano) continues to guest-star as rightwing Republican Jack's liberal Democratic Congresswoman lover. Now, I know I said it was ridiculous that Five had taken two years to start showing season two, but do they have to spunk the episodes they have by showing two back-to-back. It's like The Simpsons I'd rather see the same one twice to catch some of the sardine-tight and Usain Bolt-fast gags I missed first time.

THIS WEEK's HIGHLIGHTS (PART 1)

Sunday

Generation Kill

FX, 9pm (and +1)

In an age of 24-episode seasons, the fact that this – episode 7 – is the last slice of GK is both painfully disappointing and highly commendable. "Leave 'em wanting more" taken to extremes. We can only hope that Rolling Stone sends Evan Wright out to report on the "withdrawal" from Iraq, so that Simon & Burns can produce a sequel.

Criminal Minds

Living, 10pm (and +1)

A second chance to see the season 4 premiere (finally bringing us up to date with the US). Season 3 ended on a cliffhanger as every member of the team got into a separate one of their giant black GMC SUVs and one exploded, target of a group of terrorist hoodies. Who's the victim? Bet you can guess. But there are a few further twists to come...

Damages

BBC1, 10.20pm

After a shaky start, Damages is gradually getting back to its sinuous best, with layer upon layer of suspicion and deceit. Not since Vic Mackey has a murderous anti-hero been as compelling as Patty Hewes (Glen Close). This episode's title-taken-from-dialogue, "Hey! Mr Pibbs!" is good, but not in the same league as last week's "I knew your pig" or last season's best, "Jesus, Mary and Joe Cocker" and "Tastes like a Ho-ho".

Monday

The Gadget Show

Five, 8pm

The Gadget Show is always likeable and fun. Approaches technology entertainingly, while never being quite as silly as those "let's blow up a caravan" sci/tech shows (Richard Hammond's Engineering Connections, BBC2, 7pm, does reprise his Brainiac: Science Abuse role too much for Mad Dog's liking). 

Toyboize

Dave, 11pm

The YouTube comedy hit gets a TV broadcast for the first time. An 80s boy band tries to reform 20 years later. When you consider that one of them is played by Ewen MacIntosh (Keith from The Office), you can see how it might not match the success of Take That's comeback. Very funny. 

N.B. It is not actually showing on some programme guides, as the five short clips will be shown between shows at 11pm nightly this week and repeated on Saturday from 9.40pm (and every 45 minutes after)

Tuesday

Just in case you're not watching Champions League football...

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Five, 9pm

SPOILER ALERT!

Just in case you didn't know (and Five USA has been running spoiler ads anyway), just in case you hadn't suspected from his more-brooding-than-ever demeanour and visiting of favourite characters (Lady Heather, The Miniature Killer) in recent weeks, Gil is Leaving Las Vegas. Tonight and next week there are two crossover episodes with Laurence Fishburne, who's taking over. Barking at the TV will be taking DNA samples, testing for GSR and running the UV light over him on Tuesday night...

Horne & Corden

BBC3, 10.30pm

The bloke stars of Gavin & Stacey continue their attempt to take over from Pegg & Frost as the new Little & Large kings of Brit comedy (they've also got a film out this week, Lesbian Vampire Killers). It's directed by Kathy Burke and, judging by trailers, will be a hell of a lot better than other recent new sketch shows, such as FX's No Signal (half a dozen decent gags stretched out over a series) and the woeful Al Murray's Personality Disorder (there's a reason he's played one character for the past decade and a half). Expect to become intimately and extensively acquainted with Corden's naked torso.

Tonight: Red Riding Trilogy

Red Riding Trilogy

Channel 4, 9pm (and +1)

Is Mad Dog alone in worrying that "the greatest piece of British television this decade" might be a bit of a let-down? Certainly he seems to be alone in thinking that David Peace, on whose books the three films are based, may not be the greatest living British novelist.

Nineteen Seventy-Four etc. were striking (sorry for the 70s pun) when they came out: the stream-of-consciousness, the weaving in of real historical figures, the gritty 70s setting, the journalist who's as corrupted as the stories he covers. Except... Jake Arnott was covering those last three facets at the same time in The Long Firm and He Kills Coppers. And, after a few Peace novels, the stream-of consciousness seems less Joycean and more a handy way to fill space. Despite using the same device in The Damned United and Tokyo Year Zero, it's unfair to call Peace a one-trick pony. Because he's got the "real people" trick too. Hooray, a two-trick pony.

Hopefully the TV adaptation (and the forthcoming film of The Damned United) will chuck out all the repetitive inner monologues of the books, find the hearts of the characters (it certainly has the cast for that) and paint a fascinating picture of the period (Life On Mars without the flares gags). The Sky+ is set...

DAYTIME DYNAMITE (TV for the credit-crunched)

Quiz Special

Battle Of The Brains

BBC2, 6pm daily

Eggheads

BBC2, 6.30pm daily

They're no match for TV's greatest quiz show (Corpus Christi, TRIMBLE!), but at least they haven't been hit by an ineligibility scandal like The UC has. (You'd have thought Gail Trimble would have pulled a Fergie and ruthlessly booted out the offending team member before the squad was affected...)

Both these quizzes are based on the idea of head-to-head challenges reducing the teams before a final round. Brains has the benefit of fairly well-matched teams playing each other; but Eggheads' gimmick is that an average (sometimes well below average) pub quiz team takes on former winners of Mastermind, Brain Of Britain and Tarrant's million (Judith Keppell, not the cheating Major with the coughing mate). 

The Eggheads are like that annoying team in the pub which only ever seems to be in there on quiz night and always bloody wins, so you're rooting for the challengers. There's even a Cowell hate figure (since, remarkably, most of them manage to suppress the smugness) in "CJ", a sort of Latin lothario-nerd hybrid who acts as if a question is beneath him if he doesn't know the answer.

Battle Of The Brains does the usual drama build-up, with portentous music and Nicky Campbell speaking... with... tension-building... pauses. In contrast, Dermot Murnaghan runs Eggheads like a game of Trivial Pursuit after Christmas dinner, laconically revealing answers as if the only delay were because he was finishing a Quality Street. But both avoid the self-parody of Ann Robinson in the teatime quiz that precedes them, Thwkstlnk (I think that's what it's called; that's how she says it). If she spent a little less time working on insults for each contestant before the show, she might have time to glance through the question cards and check on the pronunciations of the trickier words – she gets one wrong almost every round these days. Of the three remaining quizzes, she is... thwkstlnk, goodbye.

PLAYER POWER (Shows you haven't missed after all)

Who Do You Think You Are?

BBC iPlayer

Till Monday, 9pm

Usually this is an exercise in celebrity mawkishness – famous person goes through family tree till they find poor ancestors who had a hard time (Zoe bloody Wannamaker didn't stop the waterworks for an hour), and try to borrow some fortitude off them (how Fiona Bruce thought that some fishermen in her background that she'd never heard of before shaped the way she's "achieved" all she's achieved, only she knows).

However, this episode featured Kevin Whately ("Come on, Leeeewiiiis") discovering his ancestors were loaded – and being terribly embarrassed. He showed a healthy level of curiosity instead of calling it "a journey" and believing he'd discovered some secret to himself - just like any normal person would. How refreshing. 

CHANNEL INFINITY +1 (Shows from somewhere down the programme guide)

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Virgin 1

Daily, 8pm (and +1, repeated 10am following day)

Wait, wait, come back. Honestly, this show's good. One of the 90s Trekkie series that followed the Next Generation, it is the only one that didn't feature a crew essentially drifting episodically in space. The characters are on a space station, one that for much of the run is at war (particularly in the final series, which begins tonight. 

It's interesting to see a 90s sci-fi show dealing with the morals of dealing with terrorism, conducting wars, religious fanaticism etc., 10 years before Battlestar Gallactica was hailed as allegory of Iraq.

It's also tremendous fun, with loads of familiar faces (if sometimes covered in moulded latex alien noses and ears), often from other cult shows and films – there's Andrew Robinson (the psycho Scorpio from Dirty Harry); Jeffrey Combs (from Reanimator), who plays three separate aliens (different ears); Armin Shimerman (from Buffy); and Colm Meaney (from The Van). And, in Avery Brooks as Captain Sisko, it had a charismatic African-American leader who constantly talks like he's in a Shakespeare play, long before that became fashionable.

"What a Wa..."

Electronic Programme Guides can throw up some good'uns when they have to abbreviate programme titles. This show on ITV1 tonight is actually called What A Waste: Tonight, but for a moment there, it was very promising.