Boswinger's Disease and Too Many C**ks...

Six Nations Rugby

BBC1, 2.30pm

Big rugby day after France beat Wales last night. Let's hope they keep the analysts to a minimum today. It's one thing "throwing" to a touchline analyst to give the opposition's point of view, but at one point during last night's game, there were four voices offering their opinions within a minute: the commentator Nick Mullins(?), co-commentator Jonathan Davies, Hair Bear Bunch leader Colin Charvis and former French captain Rafael Ibanez. Too many talking c**ks spoil the commentary. 

Was Ibanez's mic left on or did the BBC experiment with three commentators for 10 minutes in the first half? It was too confusing, especially when one of them doesn't speak English very well – Jonathan "Jiffy" Davies. His handling of French names is even worse. How many times has he heard his fellow presenters correctly pronouncing Yannick Jauzion's name in the past eight years? Yet he still calls him "Jwajwan" (although he did offer us Jojwan and Jawjwan yesterday in an effort to get it right). 

This is called Boswinger's Disease, after every football pundit's inability to pronounce Chelsea right back Jose Bosingwa's name correctly.

US Politics - it's still going on you know

The Daily Show

More 4, 8.30pm (and +1)

The consistently funny John Stewart was ripping it out of likely Republican 2012 Presidential Candidate Bobby Jindal ("Ooh look at us, we don't just got old white guys and trigger-happy hockey milfs, darn it"), who's trying to sabotage Obama's financial rescue package. But one thing he didn't point out was the Louisiana governor's remarkable vocal resemblance to a 30 Rock favourite...

Bobby Jindal:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VizR2mGrdw

Kenneth:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4Puuy5TZvw

Law & Order: UK

Law & Order: UK

ITV1

Mondays, 9pm

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who like shooting people on the Northern Line, and the crown presecutors, who've left your case file on the Piccadilly. These are their stories."

Most of the L&O elements were there: the scene-setting captions (although not enough 'dung dung's), the sarcastic cops walk'n'talking, 30-second interviews with dumpy-looking women... in fact, the producers are currently simply recycling original L&O scripts, tweaked for a London setting, and have cast the same make-up of characters. Harriet Walter takes the S Epatha Merkeson role (DI rather than Lietenant); there's a principled older cop (Brandon Walsh is a little wooden, but it's perhaps unfair to put him up against the late Jerry Orbach) and a younger partner. On the Law side, the set-up's similar, with Freema Agyeman taking the caring woman lawyer position that's been a revolving door role in the US.

There is nothing wrong with this show, but it's just a facsimile. Dick Wolf (is that a compliment or an insult?) has always run L&O as a production line, but at least Special Victims Unit and Criminal Intent and even the failed Trial By Jury and Convictions had their own twists. If L&O:UK doesn't start breaking its own trail, does that mean we'll see Bill Paterson make a failed bid to become Prime Minister (as his counterpart Fred Thompson tried for the Presidency last year).

CORPUS CHRISTI, TRIMBLE!!

University Challenge

BBC iPlayer, till Monday 2 March

Voiceover man Roger Tilling seemed to be on the point of orgasm as a late surge by forum-dividing brainbox Gail Trimble led a fightback by Corpus Christi, after Manchester had gained a 70 point lead at the start. See if she managed it on iPlayer...

CHANNEL INFINITY +1 (Shows from way down the programme guide)

Living with... Jade

Living, 8pm (and +1)

When this was filmed, it was just another of Living TV's shows about the lifestyles of D-list celebs. Now it forms part of a rather uncomfortable week of shows about Jade Goody, as she approaches the end of her life. Celebrity Deathwatch, you might say.

It is, of course, utterly appropriate that Goody's cancer should be played out as a reality TV exercise, but it feels callous to say so. There is an argument that this most public of endgames (Pope John Paul II got more coverage, but not a lot more) is helpful to those in a similar situation. If it does mean more people will get themselves screened for cancers (if that is possible in today's NHS); if it does help others to know how to talk to their children about losing their mother; then maybe it's a good thing. But there is a faint whiff of Living TV trying to squeeze every last drop out of their deal with Goody.

The reason Mad Dog won't be watching any of these programmes, however (apart from the fact that it's the University Challenge final tonight) is that it would be hypocritical to join in the mourning for someone most of us have sneered at for years. For most of the media, the Jade Goody who came out with "Can you see my kebab?", "Shilpa Poppadom" and a fragrance that could have been used for chemical warfare, that Jade Goody is already gone. She has been replaced by "brave, tragic Jade". And while Mad Dog would not wish this fate on anyone he didn't actively hate (and one has to be more than just a little mad to actively hate minor celebrities), he has to confess that his first reaction to Goody's illness back in September was, "Oh, damn, does that mean we can't take the piss any more?"

Feel like a Combat Jack? It's the Generation Kill Glossary

Generation Kill

FX

Sunday, 11pm (and +1)

Now, Mad Dog might have the sort of name you'd find in the Marines, but he wouldn't know one end of an M-16 from another, and would definitely have issues with taking a bathroom break in a pit under fire from an RPG (Glastonbury has never been quite that bad). So, he thought a Barking at the Television glossary might come in handy for watching Generation Kill, because when Cpl. Ray's been at the dip'n'rip, he's a belt-fed bulls**t artist...

• Actual - commander

• Attrited - worn down; one of those American words where a noun ('attrition') has been verbed

• Belt-fed - refers to the ammunition loading mechanism of a machine gun, but is used for emphasis: "He's a belt-fed a**hole"

• Charms - sweets provided in rations, considered unlucky by Marines - unlike Skittles.

• Combat Jack - a warzone w**k

• Devil Dog - a Marine

• Dip - a wad of tobacco, like Scandinavian snuss

• Grave - a Ranger Grave is a shallow pit which affords some protection while you sleep

• Haji - an Iraqi (or indeed anyone Middle Eastern)

• Hitman Victor - Humvee

• Mopped up - actually MOPPed up: wearing a Mission Oriented Protective Posture suit (nuclear, chemical, biological warfare protection)

• MRE - Meal, ready-to-eat

• Oscar Mike - on the move

• Rip fuel - an over-the-counter diet pill, which works as a stimulant for the sleep-deprived Marine. Banned but widely used. 

• ROE - the rules of engagement (whether to shoot only when shot at, or at anyone identified hostile, or indeed at anyone not American)

• Schwack 'em - destroy them

• Sit Rep - situation report

• Tango - terrorist, or enemy

• Unf**k - fix, or otherwise improve a piece of equipment or a situation

• Victors - vehicles

• Whisky Tango - White Trash, the least offensive of the racial slurs flying around on Generation Kill

More to come in the comments... PLUS: Coming soon - the Corporal Josh Ray Person tribute

What to watch this weekend – and what to avoid

FRIDAY

Watch...

30 Rock

Five USA

9pm (and +1)

See Thursday's Five USA post.

Avoid...

Oops TV

Sky One

8pm

YouTube should have made You've Been Framed redundant. It didn't. Most critics will say that's because of the mighty Harry Hill's commentary. It isn't. It's because a lot of people are too bloody lazy to click onto the next video clip on the YouTube menu and want their kitten-falling-off-pianos and dads-kicked-in-the-balls-by-kids via intravenous drip. That's why there are currently more "hilarious clip shows" than ever before. Like the one with Alex Zane Low, or whatever he's called, and this one with Justin Lee Collins on voiceover duty. He's enthusiastic but clearly missing being propped up by Alan Carr.

SATURDAY

Watch...

QI XL

BBC2

10pm

This is the 45 minute version of QI - and the extra time is well worth it. If there's anybody on TV worth allowing to witter on, it's Stephen Fry. Actually, having been to recordings of various BBC comedy panel shows on TV and radio, it is remarkable how much good stuff is left out. Tonight's guests are Sean Lock (another who benefits from being given room to expand his thoughts), Rob Brydon and Ben Miller (whose freeform podcast Timeghost, where he plays arts critic Craig Children is sadly missed).

SUNDAY

Watch...

Generation Kill

FX

10pm (and +1)

Mad Dog is almost tempted to say, if you haven't been watching this, just wait till FX shows it again, or buy the box set. The makers of The Wire (and a Rolling Stone journalist who was embedded with the Marines) turn their attentions to the Iraq War. It will make your blood boil; it'll make you laugh; it'll make you want to put on Oakleys and sing '80s pop while driving a Humvee through the desert. A Barking at the Television glossary will appear on Sunday to help you through the jargon.

Avoid...

Vanilla Sky

Channel 4

10pm

Barking at the TV is not usually in the film review business, but special mention has to be made for one of the 5 Worst Movies Of All Time (I shall reveal the other four gradually - but would love to hear your nominations in the comments below).

Not only does this see Cruise doing one of his schlocky "serious actor" performances (lots of breathing loudly through his nostrils with his mouth puckered like a cat's arse); but the "twist" is bloody obvious about an hour in (hmmm, that's the sixth time that particular company has been mentioned and, how odd, doesn't that look like a re-enactment of a Bob Dylan album cover?), yet there's an hour-and-a-half to go.

Film buffs will tell you that the Spanish original is much better (that's just their knee-jerk reaction), but in fact it's just as bad, so avoid that too if it pitches up on Film 4 later on.

Silver lining

Among the dark clouds of another England cricket failure, there was this ray of sunshine from Sir Ian Botham on Sky Sports 1. He was talking about how much better the Antigua Recreation Ground is than the remote Sir Vivian Richards Stadium...

"To me, it's just a pink elephant out there."

Have another rum punch for us, Both!

Five USA in "worth watching" shock

Very clever. No longer is Five USA simply a repository of old CSIs (CSI, Scrubs and Friends are as ubiquitous on digichannels as Guinness, Stella and Carling in pubs). Now, taking a leaf out of Channel 4's book, Five has started distributing its new shows around its sub-channels. Fiver is still packed with godawful freak documentaries and Aussie soap, but Five USA has some quality shows...

The Beast

Five USA

Wednesday, 10pm (and +1)

If this new FBI show was no good, it's unlikely you'd hear any criticism, because the whole thing is viewed through the prism of its star Patrick Swayze's battle with pancreatic cancer. He is great in it though – one of those career-saving redefining roles, where the "nice guy" from the '80s convincingly turns antihero – a grizzled old agent, Charles Barker, who breaks the rules and treats people appallingly.

If it sounds formulaic – and there's even a cleancut young apprentice. However, everything's got a pleasingly ragged edge to it. The cleancut sidekick is soon sucking on bong and pistol-whipping D'Angelo Barksdale from The Wire. And the way Swayze's character "helps" his brother-in-law out of a problem is shocking. Plus there's a big question hanging over Barker - is he a dirty Fed? Or does he have dirt on his superiors?

There are possibly two reasons for this. First, if Swayze loses his cancer battle, they'll need to explain him out of the show (although it would probably not survive his loss – which is why HBO, Showtime and FX all refused to make it). But there seems to be a trend in American shows at the moment: suspicion and mistrust of organisations such as the FBI. It could be because of the success of the Bourne film trilogy, based on the betrayal-rich Robert Ludlum novels. But it's surely also a reflection of America's belated realisation that their government was shafting everyone for the past eight years.

30 Rock

Five USA

Friday, 9pm (and +1)

Talking of the Republicans, we have one Sarah Palin to thank for the return – finally – of 30 Rock. Five showed the first season, which had some slide-off-the-sofa funny moments, in 2007 and has repeated them occasionally, but there are 37 episodes ready to go. Thanks to the brilliant Palin impersonation, 30 Rock creator and star Tina Fey's profile in the UK has rocketed, so here we go.

The first episode sets the tone for the calibre of guest appearances on the show, with Jerry Seinfled appearing as himself in some great scenes with Alec Baldwin's network boss. Not to be missed.

CHANNEL INFINITY +1 (Gems from way down the programme guide)

The Unit

Bravo, 10pm

Bravo+1, 11pm

After going AWOL for a while, the Delta Force drama with Dennis Haysbert (President Palmer in 24) and T-1000 Robert Patrick returned a little while back, and tonight reaches S3ep5. The end of the second season took an interesting turn, when dark political forces (Cough, Cheney, cough, Haliburton, cough) tried to shaft the special forces to hide their dodgy doings. Well, with David Mamet as one of the creators (along with The Shield's Shawn Ryan), betrayals and twists were always going to be the order of the day. There's always enough action to make proceedings a little MacGuyverish, but also plenty of thoughtful drama too. Worth catching up with, if you enjoy Mamet's and Ryan's work, and, indeed, Haysbert's previous incarnation.

PLAYER POWER (The shows you haven't missed after all)

New Town

BBC iPlayer 

till Sun 22 Feb

Edinburgh-based oddity from the woman who wrote Book Group. It's all about property development (catchphrase: "Slump?! There's no slump!"), architecture, art and – of course, this being Scotland – murrrderrr. It's supposed to be a six-parter but the Beeb has only made one to test the market – not a pilot but a conclusionless episode one. Well, consider the Mad Dog market successfully tested, Beeb, and make the rest of the series.

New Town is full of entertainingly curious performances – League Of Gentlemen's Mark Gatiss as one half of a Gilbert & Georgesque couple of architects (who have a mini-me son); Daniella Nardini (This Life's Anna) as an upmarket estate agent; and Omid Djalili with bizarre, long, straggly hair. But, most striking is newcomer Rose Leslie as a kooky (or psychotic?) arts student from the Islands with pre-Raphaelite hair.

Damages, season 2 premiere: Cheer up, love, might never happen...

... What's that you say, Ellen? Your fiancé was brutally slain, you were accused of the murder, your boss took out a hit on you, you killed your attacker in self-defence, the FBI entrapped you and now you're forced to go back to work for the woman who wanted you dead? Oh, right, yeah, I suppose you're entitled to look a bit miserable. 

So Damages returned to the BBC and it had an extremely shaky restart, with Glenn Close's Patty Hewes character appearing on Regis Philbin's chatshow and waving on Ellen – a law associate – from the wings to get studio applause. Ridiculous. And the flash forward – to make you think "OMG! (is that what you say on the internet?) OMG! Ellen's shot Patty!" – was heavy-handed in comparison to last season. As was the revenge-against-Ted-Danson dream sequence.

However, good things seem to be on their way and they'll be coming from the great William Hurt, as a corporate whistleblower – he does harried and haunted (with a touch of sweaty shiftiness) better than any actor out there. ••Disagree? Your suggestions for alternatives very welcome in Comments•• Hurt and Close (who starred together in The Big Chill) already seem to have a brilliant tense chemistry, so the early hiccups should be suppressed. Plus, that certainly wasn't the only appearance of Timothy Oliphant (of Deadwood fame).

Called to the bar...

God, these lawyers put away the booze. Every other scene, someone had a massive crystal snifter of whisky and the main protagonists, Patty and Ellen, put away two bottles of Château Lafitte in a brief midnight meeting in a bar. They make the Mad Men look like teetotallers. I feel a drinking game coming on.

• Damages, BBC1, Sundays 11.10pm. S2 Ep1 is on BBC iPlayer till Sunday 22 Feb.

Coming soon

Damages - season 2: Will Patty Hewes turn out to be Cruella de Vil?

Blighty's launch night – we ask: With channels changing their names to quirky descriptive words, when will ITV2 be renamed Chav?

Law & Order: UK – Can the L&O franchise survive its Atlantic crossing and the casting of Bradley Walsh?

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who are busy shooting Brazilians, and the Crown Prosecution Service, who've left your case notes on a train. These are their stories..."

Roses are red, violets are blue; ITV's rubbish, Setanta is too

The Football Association should be ashamed of themselves, handing their TV rights to ITV and Setanta. Put aside the sub-Talksport commentary and analysis on The Yellow Channel. Put aside Robbie Earle and Andy Townsend. (If only ITV would. How did they get their 25-year contracts: do they have photos of Michael Grade doing something unnatural with his cigar?) 

Even put aside for a moment the way the cut-price production values meant that there were about three cameras, all at ground level, for the Portsmouth v Swansea upset – ITV's lead highlight game in the last round. OK, Fratton Park is no Allianz Arena, but it is a Premier League ground. Were ITV trying to up the "romance of the Cup" quotient by making the place look like non-league Frimsdale*.

No, put all that aside, and ask the FA, why did you allow Setanta to show one of the biggest ties – Watford (2007 semi-finalists) v Chelsea (big club in crisis) – at exactly the same time as Wales v England in the rugby. Last year, with the BBC showing games, there was a rolling buffet of football and rugby, slotted in at times to avoid clashes. Now you have to make a choice. Is this what the government meant by allowing greater choice in broadcasting and allowing in Ryanairwaves? If so, it's Hobson's Choice – pay for it or piss off. Setanta is just an extra expense for sports fans who already have to cough for Sky Sports. Then they shaft you if you have the temerity to be interested in any sport they're not showing.

Of course, you could watch the FA Cup game in a pub that has no rugger buggers in it, while Sky+ing the rugby and heading home for that. Except that in an even worse piece of administration, the Valentine's Association has arranged Valentine's Day to be on Saturday 14 February, with no concern for the momentous sporting day they've ruined. So most of us will be slaving over a hot stove whipping up something for the missus, or running about trying to find a flower shop that's open. Cheers, Val.

*Frimsdale not actual place.

Daytime Dynamite (TV for the credit-crunched)

The World At War

BBC2

2.30pm daily

The classic 1973 series explaining everything you could want to know about World War II, with incredible footage (which pulls no punches about the horrors) and the sonorous tones of Laurence Olivier narrating. Historical and historic television.

Thursday night's highlights

Hustle (last in series)

BBC1, 9pm

Tonight sees the last of the 5th series of the con-romp and, while it looked like time to wrap it up after the last series in 2007, in ttrue Hustle style, they've pulled victory from the jaws of defeat. The departure of the eminently slappable Marc (with a C) Warren has helped, as has the return of Adrian "Sorry about Bonekickers, please have me back" Lester. As for poor old Asher D, the disappearance of his short-lived character hasn't even been explained away.

Matt di Angelo (ex-EastEnders) and Kelly Adams (ex-Holby) have restored balance and Adams adds a cheekiness Jaime Murray (see Dexter) could never pull off. Robert Vaughn is slowing down – fair enough – and only tends to appear perched on a sofa; but Robert Glenister still owns this show: an even better actor than his brother.

Tonight's episode – the sixth, since they never overdo the episodes in Hustle – sees the return of the two intellectual proprty rights-nicking bastards from a few episodes ago (one of whom is that curly-headed bloke every casting director calls when the script says "arrogant City shit"). They gather a gang of previous victims to get revenge. Is the gang finally going to get its come-uppance? Well - spoiler alert - the sixth series has already been commissioned.

Dexter

ITV1, 10.30pm

Hustle's Jaime Murray has made a major impact on Dexter in this second season and tonight things get very tasty. Put it this way, she reveals more of her true self than she ever did as a BBC con artist. Do I have to spell it out? She gets 'em out, all right?

One worrying thing about Dexter's attraction to her – she doesn't look entirely different to his sister, does she? Hmmm... Hang on, what am I saying? Here's a show where we're rooting for a serial killer, and I'm worrying about him subliminally attracted to his adopted sibling...